“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
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I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.