My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
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You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.