They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
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“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see