My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
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10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.