Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
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The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
This is sending me to another galaxy
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
My work here is done
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.