Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
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I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.