*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
You Might Also Like
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
“what’s it like having a sister?”
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.