Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
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A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list