Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
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I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.