I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
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If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.