1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
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Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.