Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
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Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
Google reviews are always so mixed..
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
incredible
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.