[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
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WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?