Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
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Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.