“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
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Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.