chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
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Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
Me: Hey guys! What did Dad serve for dinner while I was gone?
My kid: (with a blue mouth) chicken nuggets and Play Doh
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets