Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
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If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
wish me luck lads
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
those birds must be on payroll
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.