i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
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“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
.
.
.
.
.
The top ans was
.
.
.
.
.
GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.