“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
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My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.