“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
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Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*