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Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
set yourself free xox
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
Spotted in New Orleans.
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.