Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
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I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.