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All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions