I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
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So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
How to sex:
Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
Ovenable?
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?