*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
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I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car