wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
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[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
Scream sneezers need love too.
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”