NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
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watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.