Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
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me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
sleeping beauty
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
Monday
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband