Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
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Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
Please do it!
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.