Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
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I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he