Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
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I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
Running your mouth is not cardio.
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.