“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
You Might Also Like
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
Does it…does it take 3 days
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
the Monday after daylight savings
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
Monday
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned