My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
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“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
car not found
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
#TopTip
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised