I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
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Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
*feels the wind in my toe hair
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!