Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
You Might Also Like
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”