I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
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Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
🏙👨🏼
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.