GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
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I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza