doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
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Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months