Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
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Wake me when AI does housework
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
This squirrel eats better than I do
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade