I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
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I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑