Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
You Might Also Like
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
“I wouldn’t.”
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
🤣
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.