I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
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Me, in DM rooms…
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
never deleting this app.
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
My neck my back my allergy attack
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
WHO DID THIS?
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.