I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
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Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
Give a baker flours on your first date.
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.