A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
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I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm