My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
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when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
Adultry does not sound fun at all
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.