Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
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When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
necessity is the mother of invention
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no