Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
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My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
a lot to unpack here
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
“TGIM!” – My liver
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]