Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
You Might Also Like
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”