Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
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Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
Perfect
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.