Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
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Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
My neck, my back, my…
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
This was a bad idea all around